The PokéRapture

We all know that not all Pokémon were created equal. Some Pokémon are just shit. Now that there are over 1,000 entries in the PokéDex, it is well past time to purge. And no one is better qualified than I, a rando from Florida who studed language arts in college.

“But Nova,” I say to myself, alone and surrounded by unwashed dishes and other signs of mental deterioration, “how can we determine which Pokémon are the best without comparing them to other, similar Pokémon?” You're right, me. So I decided to assign categories to each Pokémon.

All of them.

Or as many as my fugue state will permit.

Within these categories, I'm going to judge the best Pokémon based on a few criteria:

• Design: Some Pokémon had a little more thought put into how they look than others.
• Concept: What's the Pokémon all about? What inspired it, and how does it fit into the world?
• Usefulness: There's not that much point to a Pokémon if you never get to use it. It just sits in the PC box forever, and that is sad.
• Originality: Honestly, I think this is the one that bugs me the most. Why make a new Pokémon when we already had one just like it??

I will briefly discuss these points while explaining why I keep or toss each Pokémon, but I'm not going to do full-on numerical ratings or anything. I'm not that crazy.

Let's go over each category as we determine which Pokémon really are the very best!

Leafy Friends

"Oh, no," you say, "you've made them look cute right before murdering them." I sure did. Am I doing okay? Haha, I'll never tell! Anyway, Pokémon. You may notice a conspicuous lack of Pokémon from later generations. No, it's not because I hate all new things due to my own crippling inability to handle change. It's just that while neurotically sticking each Pokémon into a labeled box, I lost steam around generation 3, and—wait, Maractus, how did you get in there?

My full list for this category looks like this:

Bulbasaur Ivysaur Venusaur Chikorita Bayleef Meganium

Treecko Grovyle Sceptile Lotad Lombre Ludicolo

Seedot Nuzleaf Shiftry Shroomish Breloom Cacnea Cacturne

and Maractus I guess

Just looking at this motley group, we can pick out a few that are pretty easy to compare to one another and therefore eliminate (don't forget: we're eliminating them!). Most obvious are the leafy lizards. Who happen to also be the grass starters.

Now before you leap out of your chair screeching and ripping your hair out, don't worry: Bulbasaur is safe! Not only is it the #1 Pokémon, it is actually, undeniably good. Solid typing, bulky, cool abilities, etc. etc. Venusaur would probably win a fight against all these other dweebs. And, yes, Bulbasaur is cute.

So what about the others? Well, Chikorita is... I mean... it's Bulbasaur but less cool. Meganium is great and all, but it really is just another dinosaur they stuck a flower on. The typing is less good, the stats are less good... Wow, Smogon describes its abilities as "useless". That was harsher than I was gonna go.

"A popular mod is making Meganium Grass/Fairy, with the ability Triage, which gives healing moves Priority +1," says my partner, reading over my shoulder.

"That's cool and totally irrelevant!" I say. "Now shut up and make me a sandwich!"

It's a similar story with Sceptile. I was thoroughly underwhelmed while playing through Ruby with Sceptile. It's just another plain old Grass type, nothing new or interesting about it. It is faster than most, I'll give you that, but that's it.

Besides, I drew the above illustration mostly from memory, and then when I looked up Grovyle to confirm how many leaves it had on its wrists, I saw that IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A TAIL LIKE THAT—IT'S GOT WHATEVER THIS IS GOING ON.

No tail; just a butt. With two (2) leaves on it. Sorry, but that's got to go.

So we've already eliminated two whole evolution lines, for a total of six Pokémon down the drain! Bulbasaur is the clear winner.

"Nova, is there only going to be one leafy friend left at the end of this?" you say, your finger inching toward the emergency line on your phone. No, of course not! That would be silly. I'm just getting rid of the ones that need to be removed. You know, like a sane person would say.

For instance, let's look at Breloom! What is it? A kangaroo? A sheep? A dog? It is a mystery. But it certainly is original. Its rare Grass/Fighting type combo makes it stand out, plus an awesome attack stat and sick moves like Spore and Mach Punch make it very satisfying to fight with. And honestly, I don't know who came up with the mushroom-with-hooves concept, but... well... I do find it cute.

Next up is the Ludicolo line. What is it? I have no idea. I think it's going for a Mexican theme with the sombrero and poncho. And it's... into dancing for some reason? Sure. And it has a beak. Alright. Regardless, the Grass/Water typing is nifty, and (as of this writing) unique to the evolutionary line. Ludicolo is reasonably bulky and has a lot of fun strategy options, both offensive and defensive. So I'm down to keep this one, despite the bizarre design. At least Lotad is adorable.

Now we just have Cacturne, Shiftry, and Maractus for some reason. Frankly, we don't need two cactus Pokémon. Now I do think Maractus' design is cute, but a cactus jack-o-lantern scarecrow thing is way more badass. Who even came up with that? I kinda wish the limbs didn't make it look so much like a toddler in a onesie, but apart from that, solid concept. Grass/Dark was new to this gen and is still an uncommon combination.

Now, however, we're left with two Grass/Dark Pokémon. Do we need both? Nah. Especially since both are kinda mediocre in terms of gameplay. I've already gone over why Cacturne looks rad. Shiftry... I just can't get over how it's a head with legs. Sorry!

Well, that's it! We've narrowed our merry crew of Leafy Friends down to just four evolutionary lines. Great job, team!

On to the next group of contestants!

Flowers

"Wait, what's the difference between 'flowers' and 'leafy friends'?" you say, squinting at my list. I don't know! I made this list months ago. My thought processes are lost to time. But look, I made progress! I'm up to Gen V now. Don't worry, I'll go back and fix that last section... eventually.

Here's the Official Indisputable List:

Oddish Gloom Vileplume Bellsprout Weepinbell Victreebel Bellossom

Hoppip Skiploom Jumpluff Sunkern Sunflora Roselia Budew

Roserade Cherubi Cherrim Carnivine Petilil Lilligant

I'll just say it: Sunflora is a joke. With that out of the way...

To start we've got the carnivorous plants: Vileplume, Victreebel, and Carnivine. Do we need them all? Probably not.

(Is a venus flytrap a flower? For that matter, is a pitcher plant? Oh well, too late now. Not like I would ever change the categories around after starting this dumb tirade.)

The classic duo of Vileplume and Victreebel started out as version-exclusive alternates. Which already didn't make sense in gen 1. If we're limited to 150 Pokédex entries to represent every animate living thing on this planet besides humans, why do we need two slow Grass/Poison Pokémon based on carnivorous plants? Why did they give a Grass-type high Attack in gen 1 when all Grass moves were special? We may never know the answers to these mysteries, especially if it requires me to do any sort of research.

Unfortunately, they're both pretty solid and iconic designs. Vileplume edges out Victreebel in terms of stats, with greater defenses and special attack. Victreebel's got higher-but-still-not-good speed. Its one saving grace is that it's got that weirdly high attack stat, which it didn't get a use for until generation 4. Yikes.

Anyway, of the Poison/Grass Pokémon left, most are Special-leaning. In a contest between Vileplume and Venusaur, do you think I'm picking Vileplume? I'm not. Victreebel also has a more interesting design than the standard flower-with-arms-and-legs. Also, I like it more. Victreebel wins.

Carnivine was never really a contender. You can see how I feel about it by the quality of this drawing.

Why is its body a... bell? It looks like a weird Christmas decoration.

Now, I'm pretty sure they introduced Bellossom for the sole purpose of illustrating diverging evolution lines, and it gave the Sun Stone something productive to do (this is a Sunflora burn). Similar story with Lilligant. Lilligant distinguishes itself with its access to Quiver Dance and Pollen Puff, two rare and fun options for combat. Unfortunately, Roserade is... just better. In exchange for a little less HP and physical defense, Roserade has a higher Special Attack and significantly higher Special Defense.

That Quiver Dance though...

Full transparency: I didn't fully plan out who I'd eliminate in advance. I'm figuring it out as I write. I started out thinking Roserade was gonna be the only non-carnivorous flower to survive, but you know what? Quiver Dance on a Grass type is cool enough to warrant a second. Congrats, Lilligant!

Who's left? Cherrim is bad. How bad? The Smogon entry for Cherrim literally says "Don't use Cherrim". That's how bad. As for Jumpluff, why use Jumpluff when you could use Whimsicott?

"Whimsicott isn't in this section!" you say. "That's cheating!" Oh well. I just did it. Moving on!